The world goes round.

Long Time

No post! I feel like I should use this more often but never do. I’ll try to give it another shot.

More Bad Days Than Good Days.

It’s always so hard for me to start these off because sometimes I don’t even know how to type things out. The title of this post pretty much explains it all.

Most people know I have my ups and downs. I always go through these spurts where I’m like “Yeah, FTW, I’m focusing on me…” and blah blah blah.

Well in all seriousness, I’ve figured out my problem(s). The most important thing is that I’m honestly unhappy with where I am in my life and thus leaves me upset about myself and disappointed in myself and, well, leaves me pretty depressed. I lead this life now that I work every day one of my jobs and sometimes both and it’s to get by and pay bills, it’s like an every day routine and it blows. I don’t get days off unless I R/O or happen to get random days to myself which happens occasionally and it rules when it does. Granted I work two awesome jobs that people would love to have, but they’re not what I want to do with myself and they’re not what I paid twenty-two thousand dollars in student loans for. Two years ago I didn’t see myself in this position. Two years ago I saw myself having a job in the music business, having a job I absolutely loved and living in a huge city such as New York City. The more I think about it, the more upset I get on how I gave up on my goals and dreams. All I want to do is sleep. I have no motivation anymore, or energy for that matter. It’s to the point where I’m living in a filthy room, that I somehow call my bed room. Let me tell you, when I was in high school and college, I would never let my room get the way it is now. But it’s things like that that make me realize what’s been going on.

I kept telling myself that it was just the weather but it’s been absolutely beautiful lately and guess who still isn’t stoked? All fingers point to me.

There are other factors that have parts in making my moods worsen which include the “love life” or lack there of, and honestly even friends (sorry guys but it’s true). I love my friends and they’re great but some of them really know how to push people away. This could be my feelings that are just upset and disappointed talking, but that’s where I stand right now.

I do have good days, with those good days people don’t see the side of me that I see constantly. I do have more bad days though, and those are the days where I move like a robot, cry about three to five times a day, three times at work alone and kind of seem somewhat emotionless.

I knew I had a problem and had to fix it, even with the littlest step, so I joined a gym and bought sessions with a trainer. I figured I can gain more energy and possibly motivation. So far, it’s helping a little. I also started planning trips to check out new cities to see of I can find a new place to possibly call home. I just hope doing these things will help me in a big way in the long run.